The Massage

Okay, so I'm on vacation in the Philippines now. One of the greatest perks of being here is how cheap everything is. Like the past three meals I've had here have all been under $2 USD. And you know me when it comes to food. I'm just one happy fucking camper right now.

One thing I've been wanting to do to take advantage of the cheap cost of living is get pampered. That means getting a manicure, pedicure, foot scrub and countless massages. (Hey, P.Diddy gets manicures/pedicures...therefore it must be cool, right?) So on my first day here, my mom finds a small saloon in the mall called "David's Saloon." When I first hear the name, my first thought was "it must be owned by a bakla."

So I tell my brothers that I'm going to meet up with Mom and Dad at the saloon. Michael replies with, "you know you're just gonna end up getting a bakla." I laugh it off but inside I'm mildly concerned.

So I get there and my parents already have a head start. I look around the room and make notice of the staff: two baklas, a bunch of older women, and a couple cute younger girls. I end up getting a girl who isn't particularly attractive...but hey, it's better than getting a bakla.

"+1 for Melvin," I thought as I recall what Michael said earlier about me getting serviced by a bakla.

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Everybody, this is Shannon

...the new love of my life.

After 12.5 hours of bullshit in the car dealerships (4 hours at Acura, 3 at Lexus then 5.5 at another Acura), I finally got my baby.

And of course, the mandatory Samir pose:

Acura RL 2006 with Navigation 5 Speed Automatic

  • Super Handling All-Wheel Drive (SH-AWD)
  • GPS-linked, solar-sensing, dual-zone, dual-mode automatic climate control system
  • Acura Navigation System with Voice Recognition
  • XMA Satellite Radio*
  • AcuraLink satellite communication system with real-time traffic
  • HandsFreeLink wireless telephone interface
  • Acura/Bose 10-speaker Surround Sound System with 6-disc CD, DVD-Audio, MP3, WMA and DTS changer and AM/FM tuner
  • OnStar
  • Keyless Access System with driver recognition for driver's seat, steering wheel, outside mirrors, climate control and select audio and navigation settings
  • Power moonroof
  • EPA Estimated Fuel Mileage (city/highway): 18/26 mpg

Randoms

  • We were at Acura from 6:30pm to midnight.
  • How did we save almost $10,000? A little bit of research and a impenetrable 5 hour pokerface.
  • I have a newfound respect after seeing my dad break the general manager into tears. Seriously. I almost felt bad for the guy when he turned to me all teary-eyed, "what do I have to do to make this work??"

  • Dad: 6 years is a long time, Mel. You might have a family by then.
    Me: :wtf:

  • It was either this or the Lexus IS350. Basically, a big name vs. practicality for the future. The "coolness" of a name lasts for a few months...
  • Original choice was Silver with Black interior. We were this close to getting it until the general manager came out and slipped in, "oh by the way, it has 1,965 miles on it." Dad was furious...and that's when he made the guy cry.
  • After four months of being out of college, my handwriting has gone from bad to complete shit. I had the hardest time holding the pen still when signing all the paperwork.
Anyways, now that my brother is in the Philippines, I basically have 3 cars (Shannon, Sandy, the Lexus GS300) and a house all to myself. Life is good.

bigthumbup:

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The Best Thing that Happened to Me in College

I want to tell you a story of the best thing that ever happened to me at Cal Poly.

It's somewhere around the third week of my first quarter. I really haven't made that many friends. I'm still adjusting to the whole college life thing. You know, getting used to all of this newfound freedom that I've never had before.

So I'm coming back to the dorms from a Carl's Jr. food run with one of my roommate's, Chris. We race from the parking lot, up a couple flights of stairs and up to our room. The door is closed and locked, which was typical, but this time there is a suspicious small yellow post-it note on the door written by our third roommate.

"Doing laundry. Do not disturb. -Craig"

Chris and I both look at each other thinking "what the fuck?" We both get a chuckle out of it and then proceed to opening the door.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

The room is dark (thank god!) but the room totally reeks of sex. I can see the shadowy figure of Craig's girlfriend on the top bunk. She's naked and she's mad.

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Surprise!! Sausage Fest: Florida!!

The Setup

Okay, here's how the whole surprise thing happened. (Props to Alan for organizing the whole thing.)

Alan & James tell Nico that they're flying in for the week. Josh.S doesn't know anything about it.

I tell Samir that I'm flying in. Nico & Josh.S don't know about me while Samir doesn't have a clue about Alan & James.

Dan tells Alan that he's flying in. Nobody else knows.

Nico convinces Josh.M to drive down (but has to tell him that Alan and James are flying in). Josh.M still doesn't know about Dan or me.

Surprise!!

A phone call out of the blue on Thursday, August 10th.

Dan: Yo Josh.
Josh.S: Yo.
Dan: What are you doing for the next hour?
Josh.S: Umm nothing.
Dan: Come pick me up.
Josh.S: I'm not in fucking texas, you dumb ass. I'm in Florida.
Dan: I know! Pick me up at Ft. Lauderdale!
Josh.S: ...sweeeet!!

Raging Nico leaves a voicemail for Samir after discovering his car is missing at 6am:

Nico: you motherfucking brown ghundu motherfucker! I can't wait for you to get back so I can kick your ass to the grass!
Samir: Dude, relax. Trust me.
Nico: I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Samir: Okay okay okay...we're at the airport picking up Mel.
Nico: Wait. Mel?

At the beachside apartment:

Melvin: knocks on the sliding door
Josh.S: fuck off, i'm sleeping!!
Melvin: knocks
Josh.S: fuck off!!!
Melvin: knocks
Josh.S: motherfucker!!
Josh.S: looks at sliding door
Melvin: :biggrin:
Josh.S: :uhh:
Josh.S: ...Mel?

August 12, 2006 (Day 1)

We get some chocolate pancakes and other stuff at IHOP then head over to Papa Shaners place. We pretty much just eat and catch up on sleep for most of the day.

At night we headed to Duffy's Sports Bar, where big man Sam is a regular.

After watching Samir get drunk, clear out the poker table and win the big prize ($50 gift certificate for beer), we head out to the Shaner's beachside condo for our own games of poker.

That's when The Party Foul happened...

While Drunken Josh was having surgery, we passed out.

August 13, 2006 (Day 2)

Sometime during early afternoon:

Dan & Josh.S: MEL MEL MEL WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!!!
Melvin: wait what huh?? who died??!
Dan: LESBIANS IN THE JACUZZI!!!!
Melvin: :noway:

That is hands down the quickest I have ever gotten out of bed. Ever. And since I'm the unofficial historian of the crew, it's my duty to take pictures and capture this God-given moment.

It was like having a religious experience.

Until they catch me red-handed. :oh:

Later on we get some breakfast at Denny's. It was outside of Denny's when James thought Drunken Josh deserves a new nickname. That very morning we hereby dub thee...Crazy Legs.

So we head over to the hospital to visit our good pal, Crazy Legs. Just when we find his room we see his bed is hidden behind the curtain.

Crazy Legs: ahhhhhhhhh... (in pain)

We watch the nurse come out of the curtain with a catheter at hand. Ouch. When the coast is clear, we finally see Crazy Legs.

Nico: How are you, man?
Crazy Legs: I'm okay...this makes me feel better
Crazy Legs: pushes morphine button

Since the hospital wouldn't release him, we head back to the house to relax.

Later on that night we head over to Jason's (smells like dog) house for some poker.

We call it an early night so we can get out early in the morning.

August 14, 2006 (Day 3)

In the morning we get up and head out to a secluded beach for some fishing and buttsex.

Victory!!

We end the afternoon victorious with three fish and a shark.

We spend the rest of the night eating shark & fish, abusing the dog and called it a day.

August 15, 2006 (Day 4)

Can't remember what we did during the day...but this night is one helluva night to remember -- Drunken Karaoke Night!!

Here's the gameplan:

  1. Beam/Rum & Coke (on the house)

  2. Tequila shots

  3. Yagers

  4. Don Perrion (for $245)

  5. Long Islands and other drinks

  6. Drunken Karaoke Time!!!

Sometime around the Don Perrion we got really hyped up. I was screaming a lot, especially when the fobby asian dude busted out his Elvis performance.

By the time we got up on stage, we were sloshed and lost our voices.

First up for the Sausage Crew:

Poison - Nothin' But a Good Time (Video)

Oasis - Wonderwall

Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O'Mine

Mel's Drunken Tambourine Solo!!!

Def Leppard - Two Steps Behind

And I could've sworn we did a couple other songs...I can't remember. :oh:

For more drunken karaoke pics, check out their site.

After Karaoke we wandered around aimlessly into some other bars.

"SHWAR-MA!! SHWAR-MA!! SHWAR-MA!!"

August 16, 2006 (Day 5)

In the morning, Josh and James head out to pick up Crazy Legs from the hospital. We argue on who's gonna help give the recovering patient his first bath since the incident.

We make him clean himself instead.

Later on, we head out for a little round of golf.

A few hours later we head over to Duffy's for college night where we have a special guest appearance by Carissa!

We spend the rest of the evening at the beachside condo and call it a night.

August 17, 2006 (Day 6)

Things are winding down so we just chill for most of the day. We eventually head out to the smelly dog Karvois house where Jordan just arrived from Saudi.

A little beer pong action, a little smelly dog action, a little drunken singing action....and that's pretty much the end of Sausage Fest: Florida.

Good times.

Closing Thoughts

One of the best things about our crew is we always manage to see each other. Like Samir and I, we live on completely different coasts of the country. But over the span of the past 12 months we've seen each other 4 times (Julie's wedding, Sausage Fest: Santa Barbara, Samirfest and now Florida). How fucking cool is that?

Maybe its cuz most of us are still eligible bachelors or are still in school or don't have a job...but honestly, if those circumstances changed, I don't think that would matter to us anyways -- a long weekend is all the time we need.

Plus, we don't deal with that bullshit mentality of "if this person goes then I'll go." It's either "I can" or "I can't." If we can -- even if it means working extra hours beforehand, flying across the country, picking someone up at 5 in the morning, driving for 8 hours on the road, or bullshitting to the airline on how our grandma died so we can stay an extra few hours -- we fucking do it. We are passionate about seeing each other.

And that is what makes us the coolest motherfuckers ever.

Randoms

  • Alan: They should do a Fear Factor where they compete against an asian from a third-world country.
  • James: What did the black guy get on the SATs? BBQ sauce!
  • Josh.S: attempts to puke in a doggie bag but totally misses and gets it all over the dashboard
  • Nico: Okay, new game! The loser has to jump off the balcony! :rofl:
  • Dan: Maybe we need to take care of the big party fouls at the very beginning of the reunions.
  • Alan: We should permanently attach a morphine machine to Drunken Josh; whenever he starts to party foul we just push the button and he'll be like "I love you guys..."
  • Mel: This is what it's like to wake up next to me...
  • Samir: sings I'm the best...the beeeeeeest!! Nobody can beat me cuz I'm the best!

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The Party Foul (Uncensored!)

Here's the collective story of everything that went down that night, exactly as it happened.

It's late at night, around 2:30 in the morning on just the first day of Sausage Fest: Florida. We get to Nico and Josh's beachside condo and decide to play a few hours of poker.

During the second round of poker (and my second game of poker ever), I sucker Josh S into going all in and then clean him out with a pair of aces. A bit later, I clean out Dan also. Josh M is a bit drunk too and goes all in on a really really bad bluff...so I clean him out too.

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